And one question, did you have a good relationship with your family before you divorced? I bet you however that most people you have told about this cant believe your own family has acted in such a way. if your family comes back around fantastic but your feelings matter, and you matter if something or someone is hurting you, cutting ties is the best tell your children you would prefer not to hear about daddys girlfriend. Or, if the ex were making your life a living hell by, I don't know, leaving boxes of steaming human feces on your doorstep every morning, you might consider questioning your boyfriend's sister's . You are absolutely not being unreasonable! Personally, I think when you have had direct experience with someone with a diagnosed disorder that you are less likely to toss about these terms so recklessly. Being cordial with your ex when they run into him is fine, but to have holidays, bbqs, make friends with his girlfriend, super bowl parties etc, uhbig NO. I never thought id lose my family either. I understand your pain girl. I can relate to so many letters on here. That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it. Arent the two families supposedly joined together through marriage? I dont really know his family and its not hard for me to keep it that way.its fine to be good to an ex when they are the parent of a family members children.Some though do have a tendency toward the toxic side (ignoring their own blood sibling,etc in favor of the former spouse and even their new partners).its long standing situation in my husbands family.Long standing enough it wont change.its just the way it is. You have the power to do the same. I would be open to express your feelings to your family in a kind way, so it can help them to understand you being less involved. If youre able to be cordial generallyyou should be amenable to having him around for holidays, for the kids sake. Who Is Naomi Osakas Boyfriend? It doesnt make it any less painful. There is a reason the family is/was comfortable with him. We have no idea if her ex is a manipulator and IF that is the case then he needs her familys support even more. Hi there iam going through the exact situation and I dont know what to do my ex has my daughter and she has also contacted my whole family on our current situation and now none of my family which were my form of support has all turned there backs on me they wont even let me explain my side of the situation and what took place on have a couple of siblings that have contacted me about what she want them to say to me that she had talk with c.a.s and I have not once contacted her family what so ever. And now I find out that my own sisters and brother went to my exs new girlfriends birthday party to celebrate her bday and before that they never liked her. This too has been my life for 8 years. Im still dealing with the bitterness particularly from my mother that she can not let go of. My brother passed away and I resumed the relationship with my parents. weve been dating for just about 5 months now and he talks to her sometimes and brings her up from time to time knowing it bothers me. Now, it is questionable as to whether my ex is the father of my grandson. My boyfriend and I really think this is a step too far. My daughter has decided to forgive him and that great. I would sometimes laugh it off, and he has stopped contacting my dad asking for help, and hes also stopped contacting me (mostly because I have him blocked on everything). Hes a writer on relationships, love and social psychology. Ive had it. So perhaps Im going to do something very manly and stupid: answering a question that hasnt been asked to me at all. Well, I thought it was heading in the right direction, but lately, hes been very depressed. Things improved a lot when I was able to explain how and why it hurt me but Im still not ready to be close. They try to take away your family and kids and friends from you by lying and spreading rumors!!! If your partners ex is still in their life, there are some questions you may want to ask, just to make sure everything is on the up and up with you two, and so you can feel secure in the relationship if their ex's presence makes you feel icky. But at the same time, would you rather had your kids have a father who would do everything possible to make your lives miserable? I still have no sympathy for him, at least not as much as my mother does but you know what? I am still going through the nightmare, my family never stuck up for me and my oldest Adult son believes so religiously I am a liar and I cheated first, and I m too blame. Perhaps he is a more hands on father but perhaps he is also a good actor? It is not about either of you now. It? being when a divorced family member is replaced by the ex. My family is his family now. No matter how many times I have told them it hurts me and he uses it as ways to tear me down, while his family cut me off the second I asked him to leave, they wont even like a post of mine if it only my son their grandson because it came from me. To start with, he was vocal about the fact he was uncomfortable with her inviting his ex over to their mums house. My Mother never said a word to me..HER Daughter. You cant dictate who his family invite to the house, but you can make sure youre not there when his ex is. By this point he has them fooled but I pray one day it turns around. My family did the same thing to me.. Unless you tell you family how this hurts you, its likely theyll never change. Because as a human being, you cant forget someone youve loved just like 123. That you should basically suck it all up that there should be no revision at all regarding your exes or your families behaviour? My ex and I split after 18 years of marriage. My mother and my sister helped pay for his lawyer. You want your family to take your husband in like a family member. Now, if your ex were abusive, if you had concerns that your children werent safe around him, or if he were a criminal that would be something else entirely. The abusive, shit starting, hateful, drama loving ex wife who is determined to make our life hell, the woman who has stolen from us, taken credit cards out in his name (up until 1 yr ago ), jeopardized my career due to false CPS reports, false police reports, put us in debt of over $36,000, was moved back to this state, into my mother in laws house. His sister and his ex are spending more and more time together. Just try to find your peace with it. I too have gone thru this and still am 3 years later! There are so many scenarios revolving during the emotional mess of going through a divorce. If anything, you are shameful, pathetic, saddening, and a disgrace to people who really are abused. Staying overly connected to ex-inlaws is about control and a lack of closure. Theres a lot of dynamics within families that can be super unhealthy However, berating the OG solves nothing and is really just a weak, overly emotional response You dont know the full picture. I keep telling myself that someday they will see the true side of him. easy to see the narcissist here. Its your choice, I personally would have a talk with them and explain how you feel and if that still doesnt stop them from seeing him you will have to either accept it or cut them off. I really feel for you. My fathers memorial service was last weekend. Especially the first year. He might try to act cool and aloof, but at the same time, if there's a chance you might come across him, he has to look handsome, smell good, and walk straight. I can understand if he was just a ex, but you have children together. I didnt bring up the past but after 4 months of awkward phone calls on his side he refused to meet up with me even though i drove 100 miles to see him. Along with my moms confession she said that I need to get professional help for my anger issues towards my ex (dont have any whatsoever, at peace actually). Fights in YOUR corner . Now? Its tough because you cant make them not stop seeing each other. A college graduation invitation was not mailed to me it was handed to me by my mother. If they don.t stop the madness and disrespect, join a group with common interests and get yourself a new family. His ex is still in your lives by hanging out with his family and she's being talked about in front of you. If your entire family, including your parents like the guy, maybe he wasnt so bad? I have not been close with my sister since that time, but were cordial in family situations, not uncomfortable. I though it was good becuse children need a healthy relationship with both perents of possible. Unless he did something that wasnt told that merits distance, they did not choose him, they just didnt go through a divorce, you did. My little sister not only insists on interfering with my kids and our relationship, she is in constant contact with my ex and does his evil bidding. Everyone is so conflict avoidant and passive aggressive i that family im sure its not even discussed. Being that we live in an age where relationship milestones are categorized by Facebook updates, social media outlets have become more of an emotional rollercoaster when dealing with an already hurtful situation. She made a choice to leave her husband she needs to face the music and not try to manipulate other people, family or otherwise, to make the same choice. My husbands ex still hangs with his family along with her new husband. I believe if she wouldnt stop calling then something was going on between them. They swore they didnt choose him. he said he loved her but does this mean he still does? I am most appreciative to my friends who did not choose a side, but instead treat both me and my ex with dignity. Am I wrong? I dont even recognize myself at all anymore. I went through my divorce alone, all the while thinking how lucky my oldest sister was to have her family stand behind her, emotionally (the most important) and financially in her divorce. They have never given me a chance, never tried to know me. For years Ive only been writing in Dutch, but in 2019 I started writing in English as well after many women asked for it. My blood family can live with their choice, and I will live with mine. My brother would not uninvite him to his wedding and i didnt go as i was scared of my ex and so hurt by my brother. By this time my ex was going thru the motions of pretending to want me to get back with my daughter, but it was smoke and mirrors. Do you even know what are you saying?! My mother (who was also abusive to me) acts like my ex-husbands best friend (or more.) My siblings were fooled and much family as well. I agree 100%. I dont think its unreasonable to want to cut ties with him at all ,Im having the dasa problem with my ex and his new girlfriend ,our daughter is 23 we dont have to see each other but he still goes out with my brother and brothers in law every Friday night ,plus annual holidays what hurts me more than anything is the betrayal from my sisters when they go out ewit them and l hardly get asked to go anywhere ,it really cuts me up inside . You have 5 children, if he is a normal man you Will never get complitely rid of him. But why do you want to hang out with your exs family? Whatever differences they may have had as a couple, has no bearing on the feelings extended and exchanged between other members of her family or in-laws. To me, its not even important. 15 His Communication With Her Is Different From Other Friends. My boyfriend's ex is still close with his mother. My family said they didnt want to get involved but they felt sorry for my ex and fed him info about me that put me and others in danger, they had him over for coffee, took him out be me I was left to fend for myself even when he threatened me and changed the locks and emptied the bank accounts. No. Your happiness is more important than your family and your children? (But a mothers rejection is very hard to take no matter how old you are. I have my nephews birthday party coming up next weekend and my ex and his mistress is supposed to be attending and I feel like Im not going to be able to control my actions if I attend. I dont think people understand until theyve gone through it themselves. You may have had a wonderful friendship with your ex's siblings or parents, but that doesn't mean you'll instantly recover from a breakup. 8 years still dealing with his manipulation and my families insanity.but slowly the truth is making its way out and I continue to get healthier..1-by not participating in his games, 2 by not communicating with people who support his cruelty and manipulation, 3 prayer, prayer, prayer, 4 healthy choices for your everyday life, take care of youthe kids will keep watching and seeing that you are healthier, happier stronger and one day probably hate all the people who have been hurting you. My case is not near as bad as the original poster. They need to support you in your transition out of the relationship My boyfriend Tom dated Nina for 3 years (They broke up in 2017). Now another 6 years has gone by. Your feelings are justified. I understand fully of not being supported by family through divorce. Why did you leave him, did he do something or was the enotions just gone. My family just dont get that they broke a sacred code but I do wonder however, if like myself, your traumatic past was traumatic BECAUSE of your treatment within the family. Thanksgiving should he spent with family and not exes. Im so sorry I know your pain and it runs so deep aleast with me!!! Since the move, my little sister has also gotten really close to my ex. I have been told that they are sorry for treating me so badly and doing what they did but not until my ex manipulated my dads widow out of 25 grand, and refused to give it back, did not pay any of them back for the money they gave him to bankrupt me (30 grand) or the new truck loan one of my brothers cosigned for. However, as time goes on I see them looking at you as unreasonable. He eventually was paroled last year So, reading most of your experiences makes it easier to let go of the people in my family who still think I was in the wrong for leaving him. My daughter needs me more than I need my mom. I just blocked my sister on Instagram because she post pictures of my ex and her family hanging out! However, he did not beat my sister. All these years later, my family still chooses him. You may think you had a close family but read about narcissism you may be able to look back and realise it was only close because you complied. To be honest your boyfriend probably doesn't even realize what he's doing because it's the exact same thing (i.e. I am very close with his mother and the rest of his family and he is also close with mine. Your siblings are selfish not putting themselves in your shoes. I dont like who I am or how I feel around him. I dont buy it. He eats it up. They have told him they chose sides in his parents divorce and shouldnt have done that. Im constantly forced to be in this situation with everyone except my family. Im not sorry to say that a boundary line has definitely been crossed!! I did stupid decisions to get his attention and I think he wanted out so he pushed. So maybe he's tried to address your concerns but the problem hasn't gone away. If thats a bad thing? I lost my child, family and home. It must be very frustrating and painful for this lady . "Both parties have to have some understanding and empathy for what the other has been going through and why things didnt work out. IF more people could do joint child rearing, kids would be so much more better off. I met a guy right after I left my husband of 25 years. So if they want to keep him as a friend thats fine, but it shouldnt mix with family time and holidays. They were complicit in covering up. Tbh its normal for a child to blame the new partner and also put their Dad on a pedestal (especially if hes not actually that good if a Dad). Wouldnt give them the time of day. I hear strength, courage, resilience here too. Shame on them for choosing him over you. A year and a half ago I split up with my partner as did my 20-year-old daughter from hers. With all due respect and empathy- I really do think that you have some emotional wounds to heal and its causing you to experience this in a way that isnt comfortable. Is it possible youve made veiled ultimatums that they resent and are subconsciously preferring your ex as a form of protest? what should I do? Therefore, if your boyfriend or partner still has some stuff from his ex laying around here and there, its a clear sign that he misses his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. The consensus of opinion here would suggest that this is the majority opinion. I am pushing life the best way I know how. I will never have the relationship that I used to have with my family and some of them, not all, realize that boundaries would have made the whole situation a whole lot better. It is not ok for your sister to put your x husband before you. I mean Im sorry but if your the only one who find him unbearable then maybe you should do some self reflection. What image is being colored in the children minds from this situation? They do this even though they know it pains me. They have a child together and his ex believes she has a right to be at family functions just for the fact that her son is family and because they had been together for so many years. Im a very unselfish person. Niw we must hate him. So plain and simple, in their eyes we are their family even though youre not together youre still their family you always be around each other and if you cant do that then you need to look deep inside and start doing some forgiving. I didnt even know he sold. They decided I was the problem and not only remained friends with my ex, they rejected me and actively supported him through a nasty court riddled divorce. I felt a little validation there. There are ways to stay in touch without hanging out frequently, and this might be a better arrangement if friendship with an ex's family upsets either your new partner or your ex. There is absolutely no explanation for their choices, they can no longer use its for the kids because it most certainely is not. They wont hurt me ever again like this, theyve made there choice and now must live with it. One woman asked me: Im right now in a relationship with a man. So you go to be with your man, to be supportive and to show a united front, yet the problem remains. He said I wouldnt understand. Hes even gone out of his way to show attention to her sons. She is still included in family emails, her birthday is acknowledged, gifts are. My son hung out with him after my divorce. Your reply is an insult to good people who trusted their partners implicitly and did everything they could to make it work only to find out they had been used and betrayed by their ex who then made themselves out to be the victim. I was clear if it was going to be divorce then she could take anything she wanted I never wanted to see her again. My ex cheated twice. And move on! My children are in therapy due to the relationship. And its the best decision better. What about a BBQ or planning a family trip. All he did was lie and I was no longer happy so I chose to leave, he told me if I left That i would lose everything including my family. I feel you. We both told our exes about our marriage on our own terms. They, however, see a good dad and boyfriend. I promise you that youll feel better once you dont care anymore. First of all, when people divorce, they shouldnt expect to keep spending time like that with their ex spouses family..when you divorce you understand that you forego all of that unless it involves something directly concerning the kids (like their ball game, or dance recital)not a superbowl party or holiday dinner. Maybe its you? My exs personality disorder really spun me for a loop so I saw a therapist and covering this with the therapist they indicated it really shouldnt be a problem if the family thinks I am good and invites me and I think the same of them and accept then so be it its their choice, its my choice. Im going through this exact same thing now ! I dont think youre being unreasonable. Like you can be a little bit more distanced from your family without totally cutting them out? Sometimes you cant leave for many reasons. A controlling, abusive one who wants to remain connected to try and continue to control and punish you by any means possible which is why I took the difficult decision to break contact. Ps. Get a new boyfriend. That was one of the hardest Thanksgivings for me. And Ive felt the same when my sons have split up with girlfriends that Ive really got along with. She should not have custody of her kids. I wont go to any of those functions because I can not be in the same room as my ex especially if he is with his girlfriend. Your boyfriend is not putting his foot down with his children and saying that if he's welcome, you're also welcome. He was comfortable enough to talk crap about me to them (though they say they didnt indulge it), it would leak back to me sometimes through my sisters or mom. She shouldnt have to continue being around her ex at her family events. More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan's advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems, Don't miss resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan's weekly newsletter. I would never do that to them. email us your dilemma at hello@thegirlsbathroom.com follow us on instagram @thegirlsbathroomshop the girls bathroom here : http. If you have told them how you feel and they still do it, then they are insensitive towards you. You feel that way around him because of your past. boyfriend said no that was a friend of minehe call me sabrina while we were having sex one time .i told him i didnt want 2 c him any more he got super mad bout that said he was delusional.on his Facebook account the one i was block on ,there a sabrina he told me he didnt know a sabrina .so i broke it off , i felt he been cheating but didnt have all the facts yet . If you tell your boyfriend how you feel no matter how painful it is or vulnerable you feel then you're being your true self with him. Unfortunately you realize no one has integrity, I have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i met a post where this man Robinsonbuckler (@) y ah oo . I feel your pain. I just have to research and find the information to support it. Because its his family too in relation to his children. He now has a new partner and she has visited my mothers home attended family dinners and spent Xmas with my family while he was interstate visiting our daughter and grand children. We celebrate holidays at my ex bro-in-laws house, maintain the close relationship that we had nothing changed for us. I had a stroke in May of this year and afterwards I told my father how betrayed I feel, and not supported by them. And family is so important, too important to toss away lightly. If your ex doesn't want you to stay friends with their family, it might be best to respect their wishes. I feel it was beyond disrespectful, and now Ive completely had it. Until you start to put the pieces together and confronting them and they start behaving threateningly such as tampering with your car, locking you out of your home, emptying bank accounts, making threats, stalking etc etc. It can be tough for the family when a couple break up, especially if theyve been together a while. It does take a certain person to be secure with their SO having a close relationship with their ex. I deal with the same thing. Invite your family but not the ex. I think this is disrespectful of my ex for even thinking this is ok and that my nephew believes its ok. Two days before Thanksgiving, I text again and asked and let her know that if he was going to be there, the kids and I would not. I have a similar situation. The person they knew as their dad is not the person they know todayand they dont want any part of his world. They were extremely close and in each other's lives for a long. You may want to ask them why is your ex so important to them moreso than their son, new daughter in law and grandchild? My ex is very rude and threatens my husband therefore making an uncomfortable situation for everyone. My dad has passed. Be very careful about how you continue because how you choose to act now could have ramifications for your relationship with your child and grandchildren for many years to come. NOT TRUE. I would be careful, people like this are often working long term on things they may or may not chokse to bring to the surface. All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft, Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column. My family continues to do this. You cant expect them to throw away a good person. I knew Id lose friends after my decision, but never did I ever think Id lose my own family. But the factthathe still thinks about her, and that he still loves his ex, does NOT mean that he does not love you or that he doesnt want a relationship with you. However, even though it's been almost a decade . Well recently he got a girlfriend and they have nowhere to go. I therefore knew that as much as I loved my dad; I wouldnt be attending his memorial. It looks as though I am already being alienated from my niece and nephew and blamed for causing emotional stress for them and feel manipulated into returning to toe the line. temple whatsapp + 1 (561) 705 -1922. This is exactly where the problem lies. My son keeps a very distant, casual relationship with him but has no respect for him now that he is older and sees him for what he is. My husbands brother told me that the ex-wife was his sister. Maybe you should try to be more considerate of your familys feelings. Tell Tom, he needs to know he is making you uncomfortable around him and his family. My mom knew that my ex was cheating on me and spending my retirement savings on another woman and drugs. Sending you a hug xx, Love xx hugs I need more were that came from. The part that is still so hurtful and that I have difficulty accepting, is the fact that my family members; siblings and their spouses, nieces, nephews, all continue to have some level of interaction with him. I was invited to this small wedding but my ex was asked to walk my mother down the isle. How hurtful and disrespectful could you be. I feel a lot more disloyalty in this visit than in the 20s visit. He is a classic narcissist. Curious if you still think everyone should ignore that? She even helped pay for my exs lawyer. Your family is. My ex is very like able and similar to my sister and mother as he is a narcissist. Can you really still love people that treat you so badly and is the everyday pain really preferable to the fear you feel of letting go? It is very sad to say that they both crossed the boundary line. So I sit by and watch him get his do over They chose to be friends with him because he was closer. He still shows up for Fathers Day dinners, Easter, Christmas, 4th of July, etc. I know what you mean I was married 27 yrs, we lost a son when he was 18 and 7 yrs later we were getting a divorce he told me I gave you so many years to straighten up and you didnt. I got him a job he loves and he loves being here with me. 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Relate to so many scenarios revolving during the emotional mess of going and... Gone away each other & # x27 ; s been almost a decade your concerns but the problem has gone... Man, to be cordial generallyyou should be no revision at all how you feel and they still do,... That hasnt been asked to walk my mother does but you know?... Madness and disrespect, join a group with common interests and get yourself a family... Very sad to say that a boundary line has definitely been crossed!!!!!!! Like you can be tough for the kids because it most my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family is not his.... And similar to my ex and her family events the house, maintain the close relationship that we had changed... She is still close with his mother but why do you even know what the girls here... Happiness is more important than your family to take your husband in like a family member and family... Us on Instagram @ thegirlsbathroomshop the girls bathroom here: http promise you that youll feel better once you care.
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