OR It makes him more predictable and I can only compare that to the 2 weeks when I didnt know after he left on no notice and it was such agony trying to process why he was behaving in the apparently random way he was. He didnt have OW around he left b/c he couldnt live like in that environment and nothing being addressed anymore. Love the life boat analogy Puzzled. So when TryingHard mentions how someone can be inspired, who knows how / when etc that occurs. No one could do it without sleep. Had the great kids, house etc. Everything you say makes perfect sense. Omg. Their lives continue and we enjoy silent suffering. You cant put that genie back in the bottle. Even though he previously agreed 3 days before. I fortified that shit. Seeing the crazy in my eyes. It felt manipulative and not genuine. She thought that would be quite nice. See above. Im feeling pretty certain he has gone and talked to her and that convo is what drove her to come talk to you. The worst thing is PILS + wider family scene will be told that negative stuff about me and our M as if its true to protect Hs image. Hes talking. Cant save everyone. I was so busy and distracted I let things slide that I should not have and didnt pick my battles as wisely I possibly could have. I cant watch a Brad Pitt film now because he is a cheater. If there were ever a reason to grieve it has got to be the loss of love. Its what cheaters do. So my lawyer told him thats fine, we plan on subpoenaing the OW and also sue HER for Alienation of Affection and Resources which is still a law in my state which would me a huge forensic accounting of all businesses!! It was my fault he was unhappy (yup raising two kids while he travelled every week and making his life so damn easy eas a readon for his unhappiness and my fault)! No more compassion. OK I know you probably dont think this but you are doing great!! Wise words. H: I dont know. Im still considering that as an option, just wanted to see how the next week plays out and if she is still in touch with my H. You cant Whatsapp your way out of the federal court system here! But we all understand the pain and agony of it all. Of course, all affairs can be seen in the framework of abandonment even if the spouse ends up staying. That is part 2 of my crazy. I was happily in my own space doing something to improve our home. Now that H is driving things, it is chaotic, and destructive and out of control. Just try your best, try everything you can and dont you worry what they tell themselves when youre away. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. they cant reconcile his actions with who they thought he was. I treated you cordially and respectfully in my reply and apology. It seems (according to my friends who have them), like how mother might be in a kind of power struggle with a teenage son who is starting to pull away. Of course H blames you. The self worth aspect comes from many sources of messaging about our inherent value as a person societal, gender, country of origin and yes, family of origin among them. Thats why my current thing is to not even refer to OW as if she is personally involved. Didnt care what happened to him. The pain of it is in our heart, its in the pit of our stomachs. Ive been reading your posts along with Trying Hards and Shifting Impressions in response. I also had other major traumas besides just the infidelity thrown in the mix to deal with. Im just doing my best. Assrrrgh what a jerk. I called him on it. I love the topics they choose. R is a commitment. She was a complete stranger, a totally different person who became selfish and cruel. Ok so underlying the three words secretive, dismissive, smug is this really really painful one: contempt. Wedding books and movies focus on the fantasy of perfection, one that is not achievable in the real world. What to do: > Talk honestly to your betrothed. It is not my job to make him happy. (Hes not my friend anymore). And sometimes just dont answer him when he calls or texts. Its been 2 months now since my H left our home and only 6 weeks since DDay so Im only having flashes. One thing I forgot to say. Im happy to own my part and said Ill work through anything with him but M can only work going forward with counseling. And he had one foot out the door. Satori there is no magic answer ball. Do you want your marriage? Adamant it is a D he wants. "'The Runaway Bride' syndrome, i.e. It was the fact that our counselor was peeling back the layers of lies and was about to expose her affair. Seriously? It was clearly a major factor. I need to re-read it all and re-contextualise what I now should be doing. I dont want them settling for some guy who wont love with everything they have. I have been NC and ignoring his comms for 5 days. And no nothing about this is your fault. Start realizing you are an independent person dependent only on God if you are a Christian. Sadly you have to move on and continue your life without him. I covered the windows in my garage doors with newspaper! Yes, theres a lot of similarities with HS crap here in some latest discussions. Shes a nice woman and certainly didnt deserve that treatment. The cheaters path down the rabbit hole seems to follow the same route no matter what. She betrayed me. In actuality having an affair is a selfish chicken shit way of handling problems. And that puts you many steps ahead of him.. Thanks, Puzzled. And I had it briefly as a teenager too. One day when my great-grandmother was only 10-years-old, her own mother took her to the banks of the Mississippi river and her own mother started walking into the river. Women have done it too. They announce their abrupt departure in the middle of a normal conversation. Here is one example of crazy town. ! I asked him 3 times to repeat it, kind of freaked out, but he wouldnt say it again. We are still here for you. Nine years after Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride gave Julia Roberts and Richard Gere a chance to bring the genre's defining decade to a close with a wedding-centric battle of the sexes. I just try to be supportive and helpful b/c we all know the devastation that infidelity brings to your life. I warned him I was worried it was getting too high (consumption of alcohol.) You just cant listen to all the crap hes spewing about being unhappy for years blah blah blah. Of course he said its over and now they are just friends. So damn hard to do. It is his oen family. I cant believe this stuff goes along a formula, yet there it all is. They make no sense. Single Dad. But I said you want her theres the door. Its a precursor though, for sure. And yes the fact that we can laugh about it..well, thats just the best. If I offer up advice its from MY experience alone. I already had 15 years and all the firsts. We were finished. Agree with TryingHard and TheFirstWife Dont know your entire story Satori but when my ex was having an affair and filed papers, a part of me naturally resisted and I didnt accept this new reality. Its amazing how most of our stories have such similar and sad plot twists-even when though we might be separated by gender, age, race, or continents! Do not keep quiet about your abandonment. Its him. In your case can it be that your H wants to R but since he has not presented it as an option he cannot get on board. He was teary, petulant, annoyed at being asked to discuss things. I just couldnt so Im letting myself be driven. You dont have to be loud or mean to be assertive or badass. I knew he was dying and was able to tell him how much I loved him and what a wonderful father he was to me. Excitement? I finally fell into a stupor fueled with more xanax and ambien. This is what a runaway spouse scenario looks like. That way I wont get triggered. I pray and hope you are right TH. And no one who is not in my shoes has an inkling of the hurt and suffering I endured from her these last few years. I think he knows it but in the past when I brought it up he dismissed it: They make you worse. Im like Um no. But tell him your intention is not the problem here. But theres a new and quite weird smugness too. Anyhow, hope youre all doing well on what is now the count down to Christmas (can you believe it?). covert N etc) but when you are still in love with someoneenter Denial. <3, http://forums.delphiforums.com/ASPartners. We are all adults here. Actually hed been at her house with her conspiring to leave me that day. You did nothing to cause your spouse to leave. 8. In some places in the world, this penalty (very wrongly and cruelly) still stands. Im not one to use a lot of foul language in my life but we need a safe place to vent and sometimes that includes language. And I would nominate myself for an Academy Award for best actress in a drama who is about to get a D but only found out about A 2 weeks ago. Rachel I dont know how you havent maimed or killed him. He must be my Hs twin brother. Hes acting selfish and childish because hes been exposed. And DDay2 is when the control in our relationship came back to me. He also had periods where he was the person I knew and loved. Now that his parents have turned against you he is not saying how will this R wirk. Three days later he walks in the door and says he wants a D. Will not back down. Such a psychological "twist" is inherent in people with anxious and suspicious character. Satori And those of us that face it and deal with it w/out choosing other behaviors to avoid it are the true warriors on my book. Im not saying your marriage is over but hubby needs a wake up call. Remember it took me hours to put sheets on the bed one day. And what about women at that age?? Maybe just reach out as if nothing is going on and have a short conversation. I could not eat anything else. How do they come up with all of these ridiculous lines that are the same? Last year my DIL called about my second son and what she found out. God help anyone who has gone through what I have. If you are SO UNHAPPY (for years) why is this the first I am hearing about it? One day your lying cheating spouse may be on the receiving end of being cheated on. That might sound harsh.I dont really mean it that way. But she never said anything about it to me. Yep driving across boring Kansas I literally screamed. Im not sure where this is going but if the docs are not signed by mid Sept, then its a whole new ball game. Maybe their marriage wasnt perfect but he cheating was no excuse. I love your final comment to him as well. NC all the way with strict business protocols adhered to. They were astounded my h had the one he had but he was an old family friend. So be realized his behavior was wrong and stopped the A (I actually think she ended it). So I call bullshit on your protestations. Thanks Puzzled! My (also) bulldog lawyer friend is well known and in the wings my unlimited war chest. And yes there will be good days and bad days and it will eventually start to smooth out a bit. Does it mean your marriage is over? The first reason has to do with a general tendency in the bride that does not merely relate to the wedding; the second reason refers to the bride's fear of being in a committed relationship; and the third refers to the bride's perception of or feelings for the groom himself. We each have to navigate this storm in our own way and I have chosen mine, right or wrong. Turns out that is when the EA began in ernest. I was doing a damn good job. Let God help you. I was fortunate to have a psychiatrist and a therapist. Hugs sister, Thanks Doug, Satori, Trying Hard and the TFW. Self worth was one part but not the whole picture. If we can only parse out the symptoms we can come up with an answer. I know how hard it is. I hope my head will be clearer and less chaotic in the morning. Its maddening! I think it is you who should exam your own empathy allotment. I just remember that I got to a point where I decided that I would be fine no matter the outcome. You two need MC where you both feel safe opening up. He has too and maybe eating shit sandwiches us just part of life. Mentally unhinged on some days. Its hard not to think about the labels (sociopath / BPD / NPD ? They will go back and forth in MC but really that is the best and safest place for both during the discussions you two will have to have. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. The clues were never there. Please keep me and my family in yours as well. Who cares if Satori is destroyed? I was SO offended by the hot comment. Simply communicate that you and your atty is making certain you are doing everything to protect your best interests financially and then smile like the cat that ate the canary!! This crap doesnt just affect the two people in a marriage. He doesnt want to see whats wrong with him. BSA I think I will always have PTSD surrounding that issue. But not your Wife (for whatever reason). But, alas, I feel like we are part of a 12 step program. Own nothing about your husbands cheating. I look at peoples actions more than their words anyhow. The I work created in those years is very precious to me. It happened to me more than a few times. Learn the damn lesson. Keep breathing and focus on you. He wants to go to a good restaurant. One my H always showed up late. Even animals grieve so we may as well not fight it. At a time when I needed every strength to do what needed doing to survive each horrendous day, I just had nothing left. I even asked him that exact question. You have character and I love it! when you say you stopped playing nice how long did it take for him to ping back to you? And we need to hear other peoples stories.its all part of the healing. As to the problems in the marriage, these problems have now been professionally diagnosed. So which is it??? Not sure I need to hear I didnt mean to hurt you as Sandra Bullock said in The Blindside (appropriate title) Orange is not in my color wheel. He begged me for a chance to explain. In some ways it made me more vulnerable but I was willing to risk it and Im not sorry. You may want to get the locks changed and any codes needed to get in the house while youre gone. Rather than take responsibility for his actions, He embraces his new identity wholeheartedly. Trying to understand why in this mess. Sometimes we def need a change of scenery to clear our minds. Not achievable in the door and says he wants a D. will not down... 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Along a formula, yet there it all is he left b/c he couldnt live like in that environment nothing...
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